Monday, 7 February 2011

Random Article

It's Monday afternoon and I've had a take away Nando's . Time for something moderately productive. I'm going to play a game in which I click 'random article' in this crazy new thing called Wikipedia and then I'm going to tell you what I find. I promise to be honest about what comes up and not skip anything. OMG guys! This is going to be so RANDOM!

Article number 1; 'Brunswick Star'... Right. This is a short one. The 'Brunswick Star' is an emblem in the form of an eight or sixteen pointed star. So far, so dull, so 'who bothers to put this shit on Wikipedia?' What it is most famously used as is the badge for almost all British police forces. BLOODY PIGS! Interestingly (honestly) Brunswick is the English word for the German feudal state 'Braunschweig'. Ah, there is nothing quite like Braunschweig in the Summer time. Wiki tells me that the reason for this star originating in Germany is linked to us having a Hanoverian (BLOODY GERMAN!) descended royalty. With royal arse licking on the rise in this country it's is a timely reminder that the idea of associating royalty with patriotism is absurd.

And now I shall click 'random article' again. OMG guys! Can you feel it too? This is almost as mad as that time we all did poppers!!

Article number 2; 'Wood Lawn'. Exciting! For a lawn to get onto Wikipedia it'd have to be pretty special. 'Wood Lawn' is in fact, misleadingly, a house in Mount Mourne, North Carolina. As far as I can tell the most significant thing about this house is that it was built in 1836. What with USA being a new country and all they seem to get very excited about old buildings. Britain is of course riddled with them. Did you know that the building you are sat in right now was most likely built around the time of Christ? That is why we don't have cool American things in our houses like garbage disposal, massive fridges and showers that don't simply trickle a narrow stream of cold water onto your pale body. My favourite sentence in this Wiki entry is; 'In 1981, a bathroom was installed'. It's nice to think that should I ever do anything remotely DIY like in my life someone might think to document it. The Wiki entry for my flat might say 'In 2011 a light bulb was changed'.

Ok, strap in chaps. Another roll of the dice. Don't say your bored. This one's going to be amazing!

Article number 3... 'Aramoana massacre'. Yes! It's a mass murder! I knew I wouldn't let you down. Right, this is actually quite grim and might be a little tricky to be pithy about. It's basically one of things where a bloke went mental and shot a lot of people. It happened in 1990 in New Zealand. A man called David Gray (not the singer) shot 17 people, killing 13. When things like this happen the papers always go on about it for days. For some reason, I've never been the type to read all of the character analysis. I suppose it's because I think it's pointless and stupid. It's like on a far smaller level when the lady put a cat in a bin. People went on about it for ages. Why? Why did she do it? Why? Can I offer up an answer? Because thanks to experience or the chemicals in their brains some people are a bit strange and sometimes they go through a breakdown and do weird, irrational things which are impossible to defend. Now can we all watch Bargain Hunt?

I'll spare you all the grim details of this massacre. If you're the type of person who gets off on that stuff (Why? Why are you so sick? Why?) feel free to look it up. Rather than belittle the incident I'll offer you an opportunity to do so yourself thereby making you responsible for any lack of taste. May I suggest riffing on this? In the lead up to the murders Gray became increasingly angry. On one occasion 'he was served a cold pie, and became confrontational'.

This may have come to a natural conclusion but I'm enjoying it so here goes! Open your minds friends. As soon I've finished writing this paragraph I'm clicking the 'random article' generator. For those that are interested I have another tab on the go. Are your palms sweating too? I FEEL SO ALIVE!

Article number 4; 'Delhi Gate'... well this is a bit silly. That old house in North Carolina got about 6 big paragraphs. This gate links the New Delhi city with the old walled city of Delhi only gets about 3 lines. You'd think it was more important. Having said that it is only a fucking gate and apparently they're quite a few in Delhi. If the Brandenburg Gate wasn't so up it's own arse then perhaps all these other gates wouldn't feel that they have to make themselves feel worthy by writing themselves' Wikipedia entries. As is the way with anywhere Britain went between 1700 and 1950 (those dates are plucked out of the air) it manages to fit in something abominable that we did. Apparently the Delhi Gate is close to another gate whose name translates as 'The Bloody Gate'. There in 1857, some chap called William Hudson killed the three sons of the last Mughal Emperor during the 'Indian Rebellion'. Nice. Assuming you're British I now want you to turn off your computer and sit in silence for a few hours feeling guilty about the awful things that your ancestors did. Bye!

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