Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Swan Lake is disgusting

Last night in contrast to my macho image I went to see a ballet for the first time ever. I went for Swan Lake because I think it's best to start with the classics and go from there. That's why the first book I ever read was Don Quixote (not true). I turned up genuinely not knowing the story. Having now seen it in my opinion Swan Lake is fucking sick. Let me tell you the story as I understood it;

There's this prince and he's hanging out with some dignitaries and a jester (bellend) and they have a bit of a dance. Then the prince decides to go and shoot some geese. Fine. It's of it's time. Then prince comes across a lake full of swans. Let's call it 'swan lake'.  Then either the swans get out of the water or the prince gets into the water and they have a bit of a dance - together. 

Then (and this is where it gets a little weird for me) the prince falls in love with the swan. The prince is, I can't stress this enough, HUMAN and he falls in love with a SWAN. He wants to fuck a SWAN... one of the QUEEN'S swans. The asylum seekers that The Sun got so wound up about a few years ago only ate a swan - they didn't fuck it.

Then the prince goes back to a palace or something, probably because it was all doing his head in, and him and his mates have a bit of a dance. Then that swan bird turns up in disguise. That's some disguise! At a stretch I would say that a swan could pass itself off as a duck but a human?! The swan had to get dressed (!), find the party (with very little land experience) and then get past the bouncers. The prince then sees the swan, fancies her even more and they have a bit of a dance. She keeps showing off with little dances on her own, pissing off and then coming back again. He's lapping it up.

Once she's finally actually left he's obviously got blue balls so he turns up at the lake again. Then either he gets into the water or she gets out and they have a bit of a dance. But there's a problem. There's what I assume is a male swan and he's got this crazy idea about keeping sensual relations within the species. The prince is having none of that and they have a fight. Eventually in what was always going to be an unfair fight the prince kills the male swan by pulling off his wing and proves once and for all that a swan cannot break a man's arm. 

Then the lady swan and the prince share a warm embrace. They sort of kiss but their lips don't touch probably because the dancers are allowing for where her BEAK would be. This is considered by the entire audience a happy ending. There are children and old ladies alike cheering on what is essentially a story about beastiality. Like I said... sick.

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