Thursday, 22 July 2010


I've been saving up a blog because I knew I was seeing my Granddad last night and I felt sure that he'd provide me with some gems of conversation I could relay to you. In the past he has told me that;

1. He once drove the wrong way down the Dartford Tunnel and got away with it because he told the police he was MI5. 
2. He once got so angry at a nigger (his word, don't shoot the messenger - EVERYONE'S grandparents are racist) that he broke his own teeth purely from gritting them in rage.
3. He personally invented laundry detergent, the three bar gas fire and a piece of apparatus used in major medical procedures. 

I suspect none of those are true but I do know that he invented a machine that puts oysters into weight categories. Just stop for a moment and imagine where you'd be without that device.   

Unfortunately Granddad didn't provide me with anything. Usually there's at least some ultra right wing ideas. But no, even when the rapes at Latitude were brought up he was relatively balanced and said nothing of castrating the villains. Perhaps he's mellowing in his old age. Tomorrow is my Granddad's 80th birthday which in turn means that tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I was born on his 50th and thus far we've managed to pretty much maintain that 50 year gap. There was a short period in the mid-90s when I caught him up by 6 months but it didn't last for long.  

What's that you say? You wish me and my grandfather many happy returns? Oh, thank you. We look far younger than our years? Nice of you to mention it. We could be brothers? Fuck off. That in no way flatters either of us.

So you might me able to tell I'm struggling for a neat finish (or start) to today's prose. I'll manufacture one for you... In summary - my Granddad's a bit of a character but didn't give me much to work with last night and tomorrow I'm 30 and to be frank I'd rather not be. Thank you and good night. 

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