It's minus fourteen and yet there's a queue outside of Schwartz's Deli. Not inside. Outside. Schwartz's Deli is a famous smoked meat sandwich diner type joint just a couple of streets away from where we're staying. I've been meaning to go there. Blessed with a rare childless afternoon (lost him somewhere, will look later) I thought I'd pop down. Won't be a queue outside at 3pm on a Thursday will there? Well, there damn well is. I refuse to believe that mankind has yet created a sandwich good enough to wait in minus fourteen for. Especially when directly opposite there is a deli selling exactly the same kind of shit.
This other deli probably opened just a couple years later and therefore missed out on legendary status. That's gotta suck balls. I went in and ordered a hot chicken sandwich. There was curling on the TV. The winter olympics isn't on but there's curling on the TV. Big league match I assume. Will catch up on the results later. My sandwich arrived. It comes with fries and peas on the top. Not on the side. It's a chicken sandwich with some peas on the top. Maybe that's their big idea to finally compete with Schwarz's. "What if? Now, hear me out Janet. What iiiiif we put peas on top of the sandwiches?"
I ate, left and ran straight to the Schwarz's queue. "Guys! Guys! Cross the road! They're putting peas on top of the sandwiches!"
Montreal's most popular eatery is Tim Hortons. It seems that for every five people here there is a branch of Tim Hortons. Selling coffee, donuts and all day McDonalds breakfast style fare it's a little like Greggs if Greggs was open 24hrs and all the staff were bi-lingual. When you enter any establishment here you are greeted by "Salut! Hi!". This is their way of letting you know that they're happy to communicate in either language. Imagine having to know two languages just to work in Greggs. What am I saying? Everyone in Greggs speaks two languages. They speak English and they speak the language of baked goods.
Tim Horton's donuts have become one of my coping mechanisms. The other day I went to get my fix and outside a man in the side alley just outside the Tim Horton's window was receiving CPR. What the circumstances were I don't know but it was dramatic. Cops, flashing lights and a paramedic doing everything he could to save a man's life. I pondered on whether there was something distasteful about proceeding to enter the queue and purchase a Glace au Chocolat. I decided there was nothing that I, personally, could do and that actually the best thing would be for me to give the medics some room, stay inside and eat my donut. And do you know what? No one even thanked me.
Last night as I walked across town it was minus nineteen, the lowest temperature I have ever felt. If you'd have cut me open and taken out an organ you could have stuck it on a sprained ankle like a bag of peas. I was on my way to an open mic gig. I've decided that having a sniff of the comedy scene here might be a good way of keeping creative and meeting some people. Someone recommended a night and I contacted the guy who ran it on Facebook. He suggested that I go to his Wednesday night open mic show.
I'm very far from gig fit and have no intention of ever doing any of my stale old material from 2015's Jongleurs circuit again so some open mics seem like a good idea. I had a look at the venue on a search engine everyone's using here called 'Google'. A significant proportion of the reviews made mention of the bar smelling like urine.
Walking upstairs I found no smell of pee but also nothing that looked like a comedy gig. I was assured there'd be one. It was the diviest of dives but as regular readers will know that is my domain. Whilst sat at the bar trying to work out who was a comedian and who was a heroin addict a homeless man complained that someone had just stolen his sleeping bag. Of course my first thought was sympathy but my second was that two years ago I was a lead in an International Emmy Award winning sitcom and now I'm hoping to get the chance to perform in a room where people are stealing from the homeless.
I did perform. To ten comics and two civilians. I don't want to speak too soon but I think it could have been my big break. Will call my agent tomorrow to see if any offers have come in.
This other deli probably opened just a couple years later and therefore missed out on legendary status. That's gotta suck balls. I went in and ordered a hot chicken sandwich. There was curling on the TV. The winter olympics isn't on but there's curling on the TV. Big league match I assume. Will catch up on the results later. My sandwich arrived. It comes with fries and peas on the top. Not on the side. It's a chicken sandwich with some peas on the top. Maybe that's their big idea to finally compete with Schwarz's. "What if? Now, hear me out Janet. What iiiiif we put peas on top of the sandwiches?"
I ate, left and ran straight to the Schwarz's queue. "Guys! Guys! Cross the road! They're putting peas on top of the sandwiches!"
Montreal's most popular eatery is Tim Hortons. It seems that for every five people here there is a branch of Tim Hortons. Selling coffee, donuts and all day McDonalds breakfast style fare it's a little like Greggs if Greggs was open 24hrs and all the staff were bi-lingual. When you enter any establishment here you are greeted by "Salut! Hi!". This is their way of letting you know that they're happy to communicate in either language. Imagine having to know two languages just to work in Greggs. What am I saying? Everyone in Greggs speaks two languages. They speak English and they speak the language of baked goods.
Tim Horton's donuts have become one of my coping mechanisms. The other day I went to get my fix and outside a man in the side alley just outside the Tim Horton's window was receiving CPR. What the circumstances were I don't know but it was dramatic. Cops, flashing lights and a paramedic doing everything he could to save a man's life. I pondered on whether there was something distasteful about proceeding to enter the queue and purchase a Glace au Chocolat. I decided there was nothing that I, personally, could do and that actually the best thing would be for me to give the medics some room, stay inside and eat my donut. And do you know what? No one even thanked me.
Last night as I walked across town it was minus nineteen, the lowest temperature I have ever felt. If you'd have cut me open and taken out an organ you could have stuck it on a sprained ankle like a bag of peas. I was on my way to an open mic gig. I've decided that having a sniff of the comedy scene here might be a good way of keeping creative and meeting some people. Someone recommended a night and I contacted the guy who ran it on Facebook. He suggested that I go to his Wednesday night open mic show.
I'm very far from gig fit and have no intention of ever doing any of my stale old material from 2015's Jongleurs circuit again so some open mics seem like a good idea. I had a look at the venue on a search engine everyone's using here called 'Google'. A significant proportion of the reviews made mention of the bar smelling like urine.
Walking upstairs I found no smell of pee but also nothing that looked like a comedy gig. I was assured there'd be one. It was the diviest of dives but as regular readers will know that is my domain. Whilst sat at the bar trying to work out who was a comedian and who was a heroin addict a homeless man complained that someone had just stolen his sleeping bag. Of course my first thought was sympathy but my second was that two years ago I was a lead in an International Emmy Award winning sitcom and now I'm hoping to get the chance to perform in a room where people are stealing from the homeless.
I did perform. To ten comics and two civilians. I don't want to speak too soon but I think it could have been my big break. Will call my agent tomorrow to see if any offers have come in.
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