Wednesday, 26 October 2011

A visit to the nurse.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep until about 4. This is not unusual for me. A couple of weeks ago I had a night in which I couldn't sleep till 7.30 in the morning. That is proper bullshit. That night went something like this; Lay in bed for an hour, get up and go to the toilet, lay in bed for another 40 minutes, get up and watch some baseball (!), lay in bed for another hour, get up and flick between baseball and Fox News, lay in bed for another hour, get up and go to the toilet, lay in bed for another 40 minutes, wake my girlfriend up to tell her I can't sleep, get up and watch Daybreak for the first time ever, go back to bed and watch my girlfriend get up for work, fall asleep. Your sympathy is gratefully received.

In other news my 81 year old Grandad phoned me up on Monday. Something had happened to him on a trip to the hospital which he thought I could use in my 'comedy'. Amazingly he went to the trouble of writing the whole story and emailing it to me. Can your Grandad use email? No. He can't can he? Gutted.

Here's the story he sent me, word for word. If you're at all unclear, the implication is that it sounded like he and the nurse were having sex. As far as I know, they weren't...

A visit to the Nurse

The waiting room was full as usual with a mixture of retired pensioners and young mothers with their offspring creating the usual mess on the floor with all the toys.

I took my place at a convenient seat near the door I was going to be called into.

In due course the door opened and the nurse called me by my Christian name “William” and I rose from my seat and went into her treatment room, without any apprehension, as it was only a breathing test I was having to check my lungs were functioning properly.

The nurse prepared me for the test by explaining in hushed voice what she would be applying to me in order to get the best test results.

She explained all the graphs on a screen like a T V which would record all the efforts I was capable of achieving, each one had a significance to some part of my Bronchial efficiency.

The procedure had 3 bouts of breathing activity I would be asked to follow.

The nurse was very enthusiastic in going over all the details of how I was to respond to her instructions.

She told me to take a very deep breath and in a loud instruction she encouraged me to take more and more and kept saying “more William more” and “don’t stop, don’t stop”, then the instruction changed and she exalted me to push harder into a tube in my mouth, “push William push harder” repeating it over and over. Then she said, “ When I say start I want you to give it all you’ve got and force as much as you can”. “ Right start now, More William don’t stop keep going keep going, that’s lovely, keep going, don’t stop your doing very well, very well.” “Now I want you to do it all again only this time push harder”. “ Wait until I say start, right start now, fill it up as much as you can and then push with all your might William, don’t stop that’s wonderful, give it all you’ve got, don’t stop William, your doing so well its brilliant, don’t stop William.” “I want you to push as hard as you can William. “I’m so pleased. “O yes you have reached the right mark William, I’m so pleased.

I relaxed for a moment or two and then had to start the procedure all over again. This time with even more encouragement and with all the enthusiasm and words of praise as to my performance.

Just then the door to the treatment room opened and the doctor came in and asked “what is going on “ but saw the equipment being used and understood and said “I see” “But could you keep your voices down as The patients can hear what you are saying”.

When he left another nurse came in, who usually took my blood for tests, and said, “ What are you doing to my William, He’s my patient” and laughed.

As I left the surgery I got some very mixed looks from many of the waiting patients, some of envy and some of disgust

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