Monday, 31 October 2011

Stags and Hens and Wallys and Bellends

On Saturday night I was unfortunate enough to take a train from Newbury to Reading. The train was, myself excluded, entirely populated by 20 year old bellends in costumes. I am not saying that being a 20 year old in a costume makes you a bellend by the way. That would make Jedward bellends which is absurd. I am saying that the people on the 9.05 from Newbury to Reading were bellends. Consider the evidence;

About 70% of them (honest guess) were dressed as Wally from Where's Wally? There were three separate groups of Wallys. Nothing says 'I'm wacky and crazy' like being in a group of 25 all wearing exactly the same outfit (sarcasm). I don't get why groups all wear the same costumes. It seems so depressing. It was like a Hitler Youth night out. I'm not sure if they were stags and hens or just off to a party. Either way they, to me, they were just a giant globule of shouty Jagermeister vessels in red and white. At one stage one of them turned to me and showed me a picture on his phone, asking if I thought it was funny. It wasn't funny but was horribly racist. It showed a black child in a supermarket trolley with the caption 'Get used to the bars little nigga'. If you're ever in any doubt as to whether racism still exists in Britain - just take a trip to a small town. The fact that he didn't think twice about showing it to a stranger and was surprised when I pulled my Guardian reading face of disapproval says it all.

Slightly related question - what has happened to stag and hen nights in the last few years? If early Neighbours is anything to go by a stag night used to just consist of a night at The Waterhole, a stripper who Des will marry and die in a car crash (don't they all?) and then the stag getting tied naked to a lamppost. Now everyone has to go to fucking Prague. Stags and hens of the world! It is not fair to essentially force your friends (and your fiance's brother) to spend their holiday money at a destination of your choice. I am lucky enough not to have any real friends but everyone I know at the moment seems to spend every other weekend doing massively expensive activities miles away from where anyone taking part actually lives. All this simply because an old school friend who they no longer have anything in common with (hence the fucking hat making weekend) has found a mate.

Stags and hens! I understand that it is your 'special day' but does it have to be your 'special four day weekend' and does it have to be in fucking Krakow and do we really have to drink shots at 7am before we go fucking paint balling?

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