Monday, 7 March 2011

My night at the basket-ball.

On Friday night I went to watch a new sport called basket-ball at the O2 Arena with my brother. A couple of things happened which I think are worth mentioning. As we arrived at the arena there was a group of enthusiastic youngsters in basket-ball jerseys who had formed a sort of corridor. As people entered the arena, if they wished, they could run through the corridor and engage in a series of high fives to massive whooping and cheering. Giddy with excitement I thought - 'that looks like fun' and asked my brother if he fancied going down the wacky corridor with me. 'No', he didn't. Wise. Because, I guess, I wanted to access the small part of me that is 'fun' I went for it with gusto. Get this readers - there were no whoops and cheers for Fergus. There were only a couple of quarter hearted high fives. It was seriously embarrassing.

I can think of only two reasons why I was so spurned in the 'wacky corridor of fun'. 1. I had completely misread the situation and rather than offering a public service the corridor was for them and their friends. As I ran through they all thought 'who's this twat?'. Or 2. I look too old/square/diseased to ever be truly welcomed through a 'fun corridor'. I hereby withdraw my application for Gladiators.

Here's something else that happened at the O2 that night. At the game they would from time to time show celebrities on the screen. I like the way at American sporting events they constantly entertain the fans although if they did it at the football it would be awful. Anyway, as celebs appeared on the screen the crowd of 16,000 people showed their approval or disapproval for each of them. It was a horrible sort of trial of public opinion that I could completely enjoy, safe in the knowledge that my limited telly CV and position in the cheap seats meant I would never appear on the screen. First was Didier Drogba. Unsurprisingly he was vigorously booed. Next was Chris Moyles and Vernon Kaye. They got cheered. Ok, I thought. Drogba got it because he plays for Chelsea and is an unpopular footballer. Outside the realm of football though it looked like people were safe. But then Adrian Chiles came on the screen. The poor bastard got booed. Now I know he's been the butt of a few jokes of late but I have always thought he was alright. What, exactly has he done wrong?

People say he's just a normal bloke who got lucky so people resent his wealth and fame. I don't agree with that argument but I accept it. But hang on just a second... CHRIS MOYLES and VERNON KAYE got cheered! What have they got over Adrian Chiles that wins them the public's affections? I have no strong opinion on any of these men but if I was to rank them in order of how worthy they were of being booed it would go... 1. Chris Moyles, 2. Vernon Kaye, 3. Adrian Chiles. I really don't get it and this is why I will never be able to successfully tap into the money well that is 'the man on the street'. Me and 'the man on the street' just don't get on. I like Adrian Chiles (there, I've said it). He was great on Working Lunch. Is that too strong a word? 'Great'. There have only been three truly 'great' things in British history - Churchill's will against the Nazis, the work of Isambard Kingdom Brunel and Adrian Chiles on Working Lunch.

Before I go. Here's a video my brother showed me of a Hungarian rapper called Speak getting all anti-war and shit. Listen to the lyrics. It will change the way you think. I like it when he starts talking about his 'black brothers'. If only they could have got this to Bush and Blair in time...


  1. I agree with you. Ps. It's Adrian not "Adrain Chiles on Working Lunch."