Thursday, 3 March 2011

Cash Cow

The bloke who sang and wrote Brimful of Asha lives near me. Perhaps I'm being naive but in my head he lives off that song. It is my hope that I will be able to live off this particular blog post for the rest of my life. It will be so irritatingly good that money will just roll towards me for all eternity. I haven't yet figured out how, in practical terms, that would work. More worryingly I haven't decided what to write about yet. I'm quietly confident though. As I write this I have a separate tab open in which I am viewing property I intend to buy once this cash cow starts paying off.

I've always thought I'd make an excellent millionaire. I do the lottery quite regularly and enjoy plotting out my spending plans. I have a 'friend' (I have no real friends - you will never get close to me) who says that she'd rather win £3 million than £50 million. That's fucking stupid. Her theory is that £50 million would be too much responsibility and would only lead to stress. I think I would handle that responsibility superbly. Any stress that I felt would be easily offset by the first class travel. £3 million is nowhere near enough. Especially if you have some hangers on - you know parents, children, siblings - those kind of pricks. I need to know that I'll have enough money at my disposal to live in perpetual luxury.

In the unlikely event that this blog doesn't bring in £50 million - how am I going to get there? Comedy seems an unlikely route. There are of course comedians who make a lot of dough but I'm not sure that I have that 'everyman' quality required for the big bucks. There's not many who make it to £50 million anyway. Perhaps I should take up football. I'm 30 and have a bad ankle. Is it too late? J.K. Rowling has something like a billion. Maybe I should write kids books.... 'Jimmy Fire And The Box Of Backstabbing Rodents'? That title alone should be worth at least a mil or so.

The real money is of course in the worlds of business and finance. I'm not sure I have the required indifference to my own position on the bellend scale to make it in that dimension. Also, I just genuinely paused this blog post to Sky Plus Neighbours. It strikes me that that was not the action of a future CEO.

Why do I so want to be rich? I suppose the obvious answer is that I was pretty poor as a kid and would like to never worry about money again. Also, things like the fact I never went to a restaurant until I was 18 or abroad till I was 15 make me appreciate those sort of things more I think. So much so in fact that I spend all my money on eating out and holidays and never have any left to save towards my first million.

I've just realised that I might be implying that I'm somehow wacky and unusual for wanting to being really rich. I realise that everyone fantasises about being rich one day. Everyone except those goddamn Commies! What annoys me is people who say 'money really isn't that important to me'. People like that invariably seem to have come from money therefore have never really had to worry about it.

If there are any potential benefactors reading this I'd like to add that I would of course do lots of good things with my money. I'd start by helping out that poor Charlie Sheen. I saw him say in an interview that the network are trying to destroy his family by taking away his means to support them. Hasn't he already made shitloads of episodes of that shit TV show (I've never actually seen it - maybe it's great) for something like $1m a pop? It's hardly hand to mouth. Perhaps he was treating each week like Brewster's Millions. As for me - Fergus's Millions would be a lot duller. It would just revolve around a moderately nice guy enjoying his life whilst wearing nice clothes and living in a house with a room big enough for a pool table and 100 life size mechanical wives. Goodbye.

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