Theme parks.

Whilst in Florida (keep up) we stayed in a lovely hotel connected to the Universal theme parks. As you no doubt remember Warwick Davis and his family were also there. That strikes me as rather sad - a family of dwarfs staying beside a theme park where none of them were tall enough to get on the rides. You're right. That is quite a cruel observation to make but it is a true one and we will leave it at that.

I on the other hand am tall enough to get on the rides and have been for some time *takes a puff on a cigar and says 'ladies'*. It took me until I was well into my 20s until I developed the courage to get on proper roller coasters though... 'ladies'. Now I bloody love the bastards. If I could take a roller coaster to work I would. For that to happen I will first need to get a job.

There was a guy at Islands of Adventure that day who was having an even better time than me. He was about 30, on his own and had full Darth Maul face paint on. My guess is he thought to himself... 'I'm at a theme park. I obviously have to get face paint done. I am, however, an adult so getting Mickey Mouse would be sad. Wait! I know! I'll get Darth Maul! Now I look super cool... ladies'. Brazilian Darth Maul (I for some reason decided he was Brazilian) was everywhere we went. He powered down the artificial streets with a massive smile on his face, camera in hand, taking pictures of everything he saw... Popeye, dinosaurs, lampposts, hot dog stands and trees. I reckon he made his money on the Brazilian stock market, retired early and now he stands outside Universal at 6am every morning waiting for it to open.

On Friday we went to Epcot. For those of you who don't know, Epcot is a science museum/theme park/collection of fake countries. The funniest part is probably Future World. Having been built in the 1970s, Epcot's vision of the future is like a 1980s shopping centre. Seriously, it's like the Arndale Centre in Manchester. I half expected to find a key cutting machine.

Another funny attraction is a short 3D film made by George Lucas and featuring a Bad era Michael Jackson. I found it hard to follow but this is what I gathered - Captain Eo (Jackson) and a band of what appear to be stuffed toys have to defeat an evil woman in space. They do this by gradually, through the medium of music and dance, turning each of her space soldiers into backing dancers. With every step they become stronger until it is eventually a Michael Jackson music video. Then for, as far as I could see, no apparent reason Angelica Huston is carried on and joins in the festivities. Made in 1986, I'm impressed that it's stayed open for so long. When Jackson was on trial few could have had more invested in the verdict than the staff who work on the Captain Eo attraction at Epcot. Now that he is dead and sainted their positions are forever safe.

The bulk of the park is taken up by replicas of countries. First was the United Kingdom. I was geared up to be offended but I found it fairly acceptable. It featured a pub (the Rose and Crown), a gift shop selling football shirts and tea related things, some red phone boxes and a bandstand in a pretty park. There is of course more to Britain than that and it is a rose tinted view. I don't feel the need though, to demand a replica of the Thamesmead estate or Fred West's patio. If you're going to boil down our country to a few things then I'm fine with pub, tea and football.

One last thing which made the day at Epcot quite creepy. There was a plane in the sky that kept writing religious messages. As it wrote 'Love' I thought it rather charming. I pondered on whether people ever train to be a pilot with the sole intention of writing in the sky. 'I like calligraphy, I like planes. Why not combine the two?'. But then it evolved (ironic) into 'Love God'. Now this plane was making demands of me that I didn't feel I could live up to. The messages kept on coming... 'God is love', 'Jesus is God, worship him' and 'Moses is such a cutie pie'. I made that last one up but the religious plane did exist. Pray to God it never comes your way.

I can't get it into this blog but here is a link to Captain Eo... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AstW05bDiQU