First class

Yesterday I flew first class for the first time in my life. Actually I flew first class on BMI to Glasgow once but with that I just got to sit near the front and there was enough time be handed a bag of nuts. Yesterday was proper, BA, transatlantic first class with metal cutlery and everything.

I was actually meant to be flying first class last Saturday but I was downgraded which was more than a little annoying. I have built the idea of first class flying up in my head for a long time so when it was cruelly taken away from me I felt like crying. I was casually told that the flight was 'oversold'. This seems such an odd phenomenon to me - airlines overselling flights. In what other field is it acceptable to sell more of something than you can actually provide? Lots probably. I should read more.

Fortunately we were given access to BA's lounge at Gatwick so didn't feel like the complete normaloids that we are. Myself and my girlfriend had arrived there early just to experience the lounge. In my head it was a leather seated paradise, an indoor Club Tropicana with dancing girls, foot massage and American pool tables. In actuality it was more like the awkward bit before a Coventry based accountant's leaving do started. There were some free drink and nibbles but not much else. It was like a Travelodge without the glamour.

Having said that, Britain's most famous dwarf, Warwick Davis was there. What if he was one of the bastards taking our seats in first class? I mean this in the nicest possible way - it's not like he needs the fucking legroom! Sure enough, as we left for our departure gate, Warwick and his family were headed the same way. What an injustice?! It seems that all you have to do to be guaranteed first class is appear in about 10 of the highest grossing movies of all time. Disgusting! It turned out Warwick was in premium economy with the rest of us premium plebs.

Celebrity spot!... Warwick Davis watching his own sitcom 'Life's Too Short' on his ipad on the plane and pissing himself. Fair play to him. Most of my weekends are spent watching my 3 second appearance on Jonathan Creek on a loop.

Miracle of miracles we weren't downgraded on the return flight and I got to experience first class to the fullest. These are my impressions...

1. You do indeed get metal cutlery and proper glasses. The assumption here I think is that terrorists can't afford to fly first class. My point would be that if you're prepared to kill yourself and hundreds of others you might not feel guilty about taking out a loan you can't pay back.

2. You do get turbulence in first class. I thought this was only an economy thing.

3. Being able to lie fully horizontal on a plane feels enormously decadent. You are, however, in an enclosed space with lots of stangers. It's a bit like a youth hostel dorm except everyone is rich.

4. Everyone in first class looks pretty normal. I thought it would be 70% Arab sheiks. I guess they fly Emirates.

5. You get a little bag with moisturiser and toothpaste etc. The bag itself is worth no more than £20 but somehow it adds to the idea that spending an extra £2,000 on a flight is worth it.

I should say now that neither I nor my girlfriend paid for these flights. As I know that my demographic have short attention spans and no doubt need to get back to head butting walls, I'll tell you who paid for them and why tomorrow. Bye!