1. Don't forget to love your child.
2. Don't love your child too much. There is a finite amount of love one can give over a lifetime. It's important that you save some up for any hobbies that you might find in retirement - eg golf or remote controlled model boats.
3. Name your child something easy to remember like Qwerty or 9/11.
4. Until they're able to cook for themselves at around nine months, feeding your child is a must. This is a pain but there's no way round it. One way of making it a little easier is to fill their cot with nine months supply of tinned all day breakfast when they're born.
5. Sooner or later you're going to have to have The Talk with your son or daughter. As every good parent knows, The Talk is the female rap in the song No Diggity but slowed down and said in an Irish accent. Learn it thoroughly and give it to them on their eighth birthday.
6. Never operate heavy machinery, unless with a child.
7. Say goodbye to sleep! I don't know if anyone's told you this but having a child means you ain't gonna be gettin' much o' the old sleep my friend. Hooh boy! This is because you'll be constantly running over and over in your head all the awkward conversations you've had with their night nurse.
8. Teach your child about death by getting them a pet and murdering it in front of them.
9. 'There's nothing funnier than dressing a dog in human clothes'. Actually, there is one thing and that's dressing a child in human clothes. Try it with yours. Trust me, it's hilarious.
10. Make sure your child is getting enough screen time.
11. It can be really cute to monitor your child's growth with a pencil on the wall. Just put a little mark on either side, just above the hips and watch how that waist grows!
12. Give your child a head start in life by setting up a savings account or a Subway loyalty card.
13. Don't push your own interests on to your child. Give them the opportunity and the space to discover what they love. Buy them a subscription to Top Gear magazine, get them a poster of The Stig, read them James May's autobiography every night, take them to The Top Gear Roadshow or The Top Gear Exhibition or An Evening With Top Gear. Soon enough they'll find what they're into.
14. If your child misbehaves, put them in the 'Naughty Corner' which is at Tebay Services just off the M6 southbound between junctions 38 and 39.
15. It's important to find out if your child has any allergies. Ask them to fill out a short form when they're born.
16. Nothing can truly prepare you for the love that you will feel when your child comes into the world. You should give yourself an idea though - take an E on the way to the maternity ward.
17. Every second with your child is precious. Make sure your phone is charged so you don't waste a single opportunity to exploit them for personal affirmation on social media.
18. It's really difficult to decide whether to vaccinate your baby or not. Sit down with your partner and decide if you want your child to get measles.
19. Having a child can change your relationship with your partner. Especially if you have the child with someone else.
20. It's easy to get bogged down in all the do's and don't's of being a parent. The most important thing is to remember to enjoy it. Before you know it they'll be three and off to boarding school so saviour every moment!
2. Don't love your child too much. There is a finite amount of love one can give over a lifetime. It's important that you save some up for any hobbies that you might find in retirement - eg golf or remote controlled model boats.
3. Name your child something easy to remember like Qwerty or 9/11.
4. Until they're able to cook for themselves at around nine months, feeding your child is a must. This is a pain but there's no way round it. One way of making it a little easier is to fill their cot with nine months supply of tinned all day breakfast when they're born.
5. Sooner or later you're going to have to have The Talk with your son or daughter. As every good parent knows, The Talk is the female rap in the song No Diggity but slowed down and said in an Irish accent. Learn it thoroughly and give it to them on their eighth birthday.
6. Never operate heavy machinery, unless with a child.
7. Say goodbye to sleep! I don't know if anyone's told you this but having a child means you ain't gonna be gettin' much o' the old sleep my friend. Hooh boy! This is because you'll be constantly running over and over in your head all the awkward conversations you've had with their night nurse.
8. Teach your child about death by getting them a pet and murdering it in front of them.
9. 'There's nothing funnier than dressing a dog in human clothes'. Actually, there is one thing and that's dressing a child in human clothes. Try it with yours. Trust me, it's hilarious.
10. Make sure your child is getting enough screen time.
11. It can be really cute to monitor your child's growth with a pencil on the wall. Just put a little mark on either side, just above the hips and watch how that waist grows!
12. Give your child a head start in life by setting up a savings account or a Subway loyalty card.
13. Don't push your own interests on to your child. Give them the opportunity and the space to discover what they love. Buy them a subscription to Top Gear magazine, get them a poster of The Stig, read them James May's autobiography every night, take them to The Top Gear Roadshow or The Top Gear Exhibition or An Evening With Top Gear. Soon enough they'll find what they're into.
14. If your child misbehaves, put them in the 'Naughty Corner' which is at Tebay Services just off the M6 southbound between junctions 38 and 39.
15. It's important to find out if your child has any allergies. Ask them to fill out a short form when they're born.
16. Nothing can truly prepare you for the love that you will feel when your child comes into the world. You should give yourself an idea though - take an E on the way to the maternity ward.
17. Every second with your child is precious. Make sure your phone is charged so you don't waste a single opportunity to exploit them for personal affirmation on social media.
18. It's really difficult to decide whether to vaccinate your baby or not. Sit down with your partner and decide if you want your child to get measles.
19. Having a child can change your relationship with your partner. Especially if you have the child with someone else.
20. It's easy to get bogged down in all the do's and don't's of being a parent. The most important thing is to remember to enjoy it. Before you know it they'll be three and off to boarding school so saviour every moment!
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ReplyDeleteA missed period is just one early signs of pregnancy that all pregnant women experience! Some women get what appears to be a light or even short period after they have already gotten pregnant.
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