Thursday, 19 November 2015

Roughly 26 reasons why the world is going to shit.

Today we had Reason Number 612 why the world is about to end - apparently antibiotics don't work anymore so we're about to go back to dying from gangrene. Here's a few of the others... there's a medieval caliphate bigger than the country I live in who want anyone who has ever committed the heinous crime of voting, shaving or drinking a Bacardi Breezer dead. It turns out everyone who was on TV when you were a kid was a paedophile. TFI Friday is back and we're all wondering whether it was always shit or it's just shit now. That medieval caliphate are such unprecedented cunts that they've inspired other cunts to do the sort of cuntery that if one of these cunts ever gets an IQ big enough to carry out a plan properly then the results could be a lot cunting worse. The bees are dying out. Global warming is apparently definitely actually happening and we'll all be underwater by the time Brooklyn Beckham goes bald which he will because everyone gets old one day and there's nothing any of us can fucking do about it. I think I heard One Direction are breaking up. Corbyn is so astoundingly bad and has replaced the shadow cabinet with what is basically an average pub quiz team meaning that every day in British politics is like watching the sort of car crash that used to come along once every few years so the Labour Party is fucked, fucked, fucked and by the time they come back in 2035 under a different name the NHS, British legal system and the BBC will be long dead, dead, dead. The climate on my twitter and facebook means that I'm terrified of saying that. ITV has just bought The Fucking Voice for £355 million.  That medieval caliphate has millions of people running away from it and no one seems to be able to agree on what we should do about that so they're doomed to at least another five years of misery. It costs £450 to get a train to Manchester and if you haven't bought a house yet then I'm sorry but you never fucking will. Twitter has changed the favourite button to a heart and I don't know what I feel about that. The most likely next President of America is a combination between Alan Sugar, Nick Griffin and Biff fucking Tannen. The Apple Watch. Either the UK is going to leave the EU or if it doesn't, judging by what happened in Scotland, UKIP will end up winning the next election by a landslide. Scotland is now ran by a nationalist cult. THE BEES! I SAW ABOUT TWO BEES THIS SUMMER! The millions of people running away from that medieval caliphate are literally begging us for a serious campaign of airstrikes but we've fucked them up so many times in the past that we don't know what to do so we're pretending we can't hear them. Half of the people feel so impotent and detached that they try to express solidarity by sticking French flags in their profile pics but the other half try to make them feel bad about it by shouting 'BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PIC FOR XYZ?' Bacon gives you cancer. All meat is clearly wrong and destroying the planet but most of us aren't ready to accept that. The chances of there being a Prime Minister who went to comprehensive school are about the same as me getting a sit com commissioned by the BBC before it shrinks to about the size of VH1. BEES! WHERE ARE ALL THE BEES?

I thought that might be quite cathartic but my heart rate has actually seriously increased. I asked my dad today if it's always felt like everything's about to crumble or if this a particularly bad time. He said it's always been like this. I think he's right. In fact not that long ago it was worse... Nazis, three day weeks, nuclear missile crisises. There's always an apocalypse just round the corner. We'll be alright I reckon. Even if Trump's right and we do end up being ran by a Chinese totalitarian state they'll still be the joy of sneezing, a good shit and maybe even the odd bit of nookie. It's all gonna be fine. Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.

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