Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Bowel Problems.

Prepare yourself for a heartbreaking revelation... I have had bowel problems for the last ten years. Here are some things this has taught me...

1. If you need to go to the toilet in town I highly recommend using posh hotels. As long as you walk in with confidence the staff will just assume you're staying there. Never use a pub or Mcdonalds toilet again. Instead, shit in luxury, surrounded by expensive fittings and clean towels. The toilets in hotel receptions are also usually empty so you also have the freedom to really let rip. When you leave you'll even get a smile and a 'thank you, sir' from the doorman. No, sir. Thank YOU. The whole experience is so good it's almost worth leaving the house for.

2. Time spent on the toilet is not wasted time. I am in the top 1% in the world at Virtual Table Tennis 3. If you've played against someone called ToadfishRebecchi - you've played against me. Also, if you over use the emoticon feature and laugh at my mistakes I will get angry and will be more motivated to beat you.

3. If you tell medical folk you are constipated they will still ask you for a stool sample.

4. If you tell non medical folk you have bowel problems they will almost certainly give you contradictory anecdotal advice.

5. If you're on the toilet and you fear it might get noisy it is no use trying to control it. Doing so will just make the sound last longer. Also, a toilet bowel will work as an amplification device. It's a design fault and until Jeremy Dyson gets IBS we're just going to have to deal with it.

I think I'll leave it at that. I don't want to get to graphic on your healthy asses.

NOTE: It has now been pointed out to me that Jeremy Dyson is from the League of Gentlemen. I was, of course, thinking of James Dyson - the inventor - who has in fact done much to mask the sound of my toilet-ing with his hand dryers.

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