Wednesday 11 April 2012

Make of this what you will.

I realise I've left you blogless for a while. Did you even notice? Did any of you even think for just one second to check if I was ok? Did anyone ring around the hospitals? No. Fuck you. You're so wrapped up in your own pathetic little lives that you don't even consider how I'm doing. Now let me do this thing in peace. You can leave the room if you like.

To get me back to my worthy-of-more-readers flow I'm going to play an old game... random article. That's right! It's the game I played for a brief period last year which received absolutely no positive responses at all. Then why am I bring it back? They just remade 21 Jump Street didn't they? Boom! In this game I click random article on Wikipedia and tell you about what I find. Why can't you just play this game yourselves? Because you, and I feel awful saying this, don't have the wit that I'm about to bring to the table...

Right. Here goes. Safety goggles on. It's time to click random article...

Ok. So, I've got the Taobei District which is a district of the city of Baicheng which is in Jilin in China. Do we have any anyone in from the Taobei District? No? Ok. I have of course never heard of Baicheng (although I've just discovered it's bigger than Birmingham) or Jilin. I've just looked at a long list of China's biggest cities and Baicheng doesn't even make it in. There are a fuck of a lot of people in China. You know when you get on the tube at rush hour and you're all crammed up together? That is what I imagine leaving the house is like in China. No, getting out of bed. As soon as you are out of bed you are essentially on the Central Line at 8.30am. Of course, being so close together only makes things worse. It leads to a lot of accidental penetration which, in turn, leads to more people.

Right, that's China satirised. I don't think we'll be hearing from them for a while. Selecting new random article... NOW!

What we've got here is William Humble Ward, 2nd Earl of Dudley. His name is followed by no less than eight military honours. That kind of makes his middle name, Humble, seem a bit of a stretch. Born in 1867 WIlliam obviously went to Eton and obviously ended up a Conservative politician. If only Billy could see the changes since his death in 1935. Why, if he'd been born just 99 years later then he could have been Prime Minister no less. Boom! Can somebody fetch me the producer of Have I Got News For You please? Because I am on satirical fire. Interestingly in 1920 Humble's wife drowned (suspicious?) and four years later he married an actress named Gertie Millar. Gertie was from Bradford and the daughter of a mill worker. They got to fucking and their great grand daughter is the actress Rachel Ward who was in the the Steve Martin movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

I'll do one more but only because you really really want me to...

Alien autopsy is what's come up. Not the much acclaimed Ant and Dec film but the procedure itself. The whole article is about the hoax alien autopsy done by some bellend called Ray Santilli. Apparently the Ant and Dec film was based on his hoax which was believed by some other bellends for about 15 years until he admitted that it was bollocks. I've never seen the film Alien Autopsy but I'm suspicious as to how accurately the Geordie duo were able to portray the London based entrepreneur. Especially what with there being two of them and only one of him. Hats off to them for giving it a go though.

And hats off to you for reaching the end of this blog post. Tomorrow's will be better. As a reward for sticking with it here is Fred Willard being brilliant...

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