My speech after winning Best Actor at next year's Oscars.

"Thank you. Thank you! Thank you all so much. Wow! Thank you. What an honour. Thank you. *Deep breath* Wow! What is so incredible about this is where I was a year ago tonight. Wow! Thank you! Thank you Jeff! A year ago tonight I was performing stand up comedy in front of an audience of about 40 or so largely disinterested people in a function room in Andover who assured me that their town was a shithole. A year ago tonight I had never even been in a movie. I had, weirdly, auditioned for the role of Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit and a small part in Nicolas Cage shit fest Season of the Witch. I had, however been deemed unworthy of both roles and my career up until that point was confined, mainly, to children's television, cameo roles and under the radar sit coms.

I distinctly remember getting up the morning after last year's Oscars and watching the ceremony. I had Sky Plus - things weren't going that bad. I remember thinking that The King's Speech was an entertaining TV movie that I'd expect to see on ITV on a Sunday night and being surprised that it had beaten the likes of The Social Network, Toy Story 3 and the Black Swan. I remember being slightly depressed by how anything that portrays the Royal family is almost always highly praised especially when it gives them completely unworthy reverence and forgives their implicit bigotry.

But now look at me! Wow! Thank you! Who'd have thought it? I am officially the BEST actor in the whole world. Suck on that! Playing the role of Wesley Snipes was an incredible journey and one which I am grateful to David Fincher for giving me the opportunity to do. I accept that I was a brave choice and that there were many other actors who would have been more obvious for the role. Most especially, Wesley Snipes but also Idris Elba, Jason Statham and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. It looks like you made the right choice though Finch! I properly fucking nailed it! I would thank the crew but let's face it the camera was pointed at me and not them for a reason.

Someone told me earlier on tonight that I don't actually get any money for this award - I just get the statue. I'm not being funny but that's well unfair. Even the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year gives it's winner £500 or something. Anyway, I guess I'll see you all at one of the after parties right? I know I've only been in movies a short while but I get the feeling we're going to get along great. I'm going to spend the evening guessing which of you is properly coked up. Right now, my money's on Mila Kunis what was in the Black Swan and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She's just got that look in her eyes hasn't she?

I won't be staying for long though. I have to get back to London to watch Leyton Orient in the Champions League Quarter Finals. Oh and I have a casting for a Lenor advert as well. Fingers crossed! THANK YOU!"