Aerosmith, Bryan Adams, Wills and Kate.

This week I went to Seville (it's in Spain - numb nuts!) which was alright. I went on my own. I imagined myself strolling the streets, soaking up the Iberian breeze (is that a thing?) and looking cool as I read in cafes. I kind of did all those things but, of course, in actuality it's not all that romantic. At one stage I went into Seville Cathedral. That's the sort of thing your supposed to do isn't it? Walk around a cathedral. At one stage I sat down on what I believe is known as a pew. Not sure though - I'm not religious. As I tried to find meaning in the relative silence someone started to whistle... quite loudly. Instead of pondering the audacity and genius of the people who built what is the world's largest cathedral I found myself desperately, luckily internally, shouting 'what the fuck is that song?'. Thankfully the whistler, presumably another visitor, kept going for a full ten minutes. Perhaps this is a traditional Sevillian game. Or maybe the man was employed to entertain tourists. No matter how great a cathedral, let's face it, they can be a little dull. For me, the introduction of 'name that tune' added to my enjoyment.

Eventually I got it. The man was whistling 'Don't Want To Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith. I fucking hate that song. It reminds me of when I worked in the Co-Op in Essex and was literally forced to listen to Essex FM all day. What amazed me was the complete unawareness of the whistler. What made him think that it was appropriate to whistle that song at full volume in a place where everything suggested that it would be anything but? What put that song in his head? Maybe he, like me, was on a short trip and having looked at the plethora of things to do in his guide thought to himself 'I don't want to miss a thing'. I'm glad he did whistle it because I found it hilarious. It was genuinely one of the highlights of my trip. Similarly when a couple of years ago I spent less than 24 hours in the beautiful country of Jordan I heard the song 'Please Forgive Me' by Bryan Adams no less than FOUR TIMES. That became a hoot. It felt like every time we walked into a room or a taxi the locals said 'Quick! The westerners are coming! Put Bryan Adams on!!'.

So I was in Seville when I heard the GLORIOUS news that Wills and Kate are to be married. My heart was all a flutter and I took out my the Union Jack I always keep in my luggage wherever I go and waved it vigorously for a good two hours. I am, of course, being sarcastic. I watched the coverage for a full 90 minutes on Sky News and it depressed me to the core. I hate being told how happy the whole country is about it. It's like every now and again we Brits have to be reminded to be remedial, subservient, singing dickheads.

Just for clarity I have nothing against the royals as individuals. And for even further clarity I think that Kate Middleton is a boner-fied hottie. It's just that I despise the idea that we're supposed to be so joyous about the marriage of two undeservedly rich people that we don't even know. But Fergus, they're so NICE. Nice isn't good enough. As far as I can tell, Jamie Cullum is nice but that won't make me buy his music.

Right. I hate the institution of monarchy. I really do, but I worry I'm not going to do my hatred justice right now as my girlfriend is shouting at me to go and fetch us a take away Nando's. That's right, guys - we live next door to a Nando's. For nearly two years we boycotted it because our liberal middle class street opposed it's opening. Now, it turns out we'd be quite happy to be surrounded by Nando's. May I suggest that the whole nation pulls together behind the glory of Nando's rather than the marriage of two people it's quite possible you would have hated if they went to your university?

Things to do before I die.

1. Find out what a horse is.
2. Tell Margaret I love her.
3. Read an old poem, 'get it' and decide that it's shit.
4. Make a number 22 record - 21 or 23 is not good enough.
5. See the world (a globe/map would do).
6. Tell Ruth I love her.
7. Perform bypass surgery on myself and those closest to me.
8. Meet one of the Blairs' kids.
9. Shoot a wasp.
10. Piss off a butcher.
11. Tell Gabrielle I love her.
12. Pronounce a word wrong.
13. Capitalise on a tragic event in order to gain extraordinary wealth.
14. Outlive my kids.
15. Prove/disprove the existence of Gary Mabbutt.
16. Successfully translate Don Quixote into English (assuming this hasn't been done already).
17. Put my willy in between my legs so that it looks like I'm a lady - sustain this for a year.
18. Patch things up with Wesley Snipes.
19. Teach a crab to walk forwards.
20. Go on a stake out/stag night.
21. Push the limits of what it is possible for a man to do within the confines of a granary bap.
22. Square up to a Samoan.
23. Divorce a Nolan sister.
24. Convert a simpleton from a poor country to Christianity and then tell him it's all bollocks shouting - "Gutted! In your face loser!"
25. See a film.